How to Do What You’re Scared Of
The truth is, we are confronted all the time with the possibility of taking actions that we don’t feel like taking. More than that: we are often scared of taking our next steps.
Taking actions that scare us is a bit tricky, because no one is forcing us: we would do it because deep down we know we are not completely okay with our current situation, and we feel we might be better off if we change something. However, we do not feel bad: we just feel we could be better.
I have been scared of taking many actions that I knew would eventually make me feel better. Asking for a promotion I thought I deserved. Saying something I knew would disappoint my friend. Taking time for myself instead of spending time with my family. Acknowledging that my 6-year relationship was not really working anymore. Driving on the highway. Starting a new job. Going to an event where I don’t know anyone. Eating alone at a restaurant. Going for my first solo trip in South-East Asia. Telling a guy I liked him. You name it.
Taking an action that scares us is typically a “bridge” to obtain something we want, and overcome a situation where we don’t feel completely satisfied.
First of all: being scared is normal
I’m typically scared of doing things that put me out of my comfort zone. I’m a routine kind of person. I love knowing what to expect. It gives me peace of mind. It’s like that for most people.
But I also know that, sometimes, keep doing what I normally do or what feels “safe” is not going to give me peace.
I know that sometimes, maintaining the status quo will not make me really happy.
So, what makes me do what I’m scared of?
Here’s a simple but powerful concept that empowers me to overcome my fears and take action:
Act based on how you are going to feel after, not based on how you are feeling now.
Typically taking actions that are “good” for us can make us feel unmotivated, even scared, before taking them. Many things that seem good for us but are actually “bad” will feel comfortable before, but bad after.
The trick is to visualize how you’re going to feel after: visualize yourself and your feelings after having asked for that raise, after having talked to your partner about the things that don’t work in your relationship, after going for that run.
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.” — Seneca
That was how. What about why?
Obviously, doing something that scares you in order to achieve something you want will get you closer to achieving your goals and your peace of mind.
However, it is not only about that. Sometimes you won’t achieve what you want, and that’s okay. Your boss will not give you that raise. Your relationship might end.
A nice side effect of acting based on how you’re going to feel after, is that you are also building, or reinforcing, your self-esteem.
The ability to overcome your fears to achieve what you want is going to make you feel more powerful, and more confident. It’s going to empower you, and make you believe anything you want to do is possible. It’s going to make you feel like you can always act to achieve what is better for yourself. Whatever that may turn out to be.
Going back to the raise example: you didn’t get what you wanted, but you set your standards. You stood up for yourself. And now, if your company does not value you, you know it. And you know that you can stand up for yourself again and seek opportunities where you are more valued.
The truth is, taking actions that scare you is going to give you the confidence to believe that yes, you can achieve what you want. You already demonstrated to yourself that if you want change, you will seek it.
You’re never going to be stuck in something that you don’t want, or that does not make you feel how you deserve to feel. And that is precious.
